I'm Surprised That You've Never Been Told Before

Come one, come all, for it is time for another Bake Sale.

This bake sale will not actually feature baked goods, but the name is kind of sticking with me now.


What? Li is selling drawings and custom bean dolls to make up for lost cash.

Why? An unfortunately timed set of circumstances, mostly revolving around Weavesapalooza, followed by a surprise downturn in the health department. I am now fully medicated and back to fulltime work, but scrambling to catch up with the money I unexpectedly lost.

When? RIGHT NOW.

How? Take a look at my wares, ( Fair Followers. )

I got to do a major project this week and it was SO FUN. Something I've been wanting to do since I was a little kid and never took the opportunity or made the time for.

Here's the tutorial I used in order to take this...





to this...







As part of depression, my brains, my moods, etc. - the things around me need to be cheerful and happy. I need something external to make me happy since internally, I just can't do it.

Guys, I am so excited about this cheerful yellow table, I cannot even tell you. So excited.

Since it was the first time I'd done anything like this, I did do a few things wrong. I used a brush for everything and I really should have used spray paint. I used a crappy plastic trim roller instead of a good foam roller. I used sandpaper instead of an orbital, which didn't do much except that I got a blister on my thumb. I went a little heavy with the wedge in a couple of places, making the table a trendy sort of distressed - which is a style I am really not a big fan of at all.

But overall? I am so excited, so pleased, so so happy.

Look at how cheerful it is!

No, really. That's the title of this chapter.

"I'm Worthless." The Defectiveness Lifetrap.



Doing this one before therapy, and before I start packing up for next week's move.


We are first introduced to Alison, who says something that immediately catches my attention.

"Waiting for him to call back, I kept thinking 'I know he won't call, he doesn't want to see me anymore.' Like he's found me out or something. It's like I keep waiting for the moment when he finds me out."

On the next page, Alison adds

"Maybe I just haven't had too many good relationships."

And the book tells me Alison is having a "crisis of intimacy."



I'm going to skip Eliot, but put his name here so I remember to come back to him. He's important, but not specific to what I'm talking about now.



1. Complete untrue of me
2. Mostly untrue of me
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
4. Moderately true of me
5. Mostly true of me
6. Describes me perfectly

If you have any 5's or 6's on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you, even if your score is in the low range.

SCORE	DESCRIPTION
4	1. No man or woman could love me if he/she really knew me.
4	2. I am inherently flawed and defective. I am unworthy of love.
6	3. I have secrets that I do not want to share, even with the people closest to me.
5	4. It was my fault that my parents could not love me.
5	5. I hide the real me. The real me is unacceptable. The self I show is a false self.
*2	6. I am often drawn to people - parents, friends, and lovers - who are critical and reject me.
5	7. I am often critical and rejecting myself, especially of people who seem to love me.
**6	8. I devalue my positive qualities.
5	9. i live with a great deal of shame about myself.
6	10. One of my greatest fears is that my faults will be exposed.
48	YOUR TOTAL DEFECTIVENESS SCORE (Add your scores together for questions 1-10)

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*This did not used to be untrue of me. It used to be exceptionally true. Up until maybe 4 years ago, I probably would have put a 6 there.

**Reminds me of the time I told someone I didn't consider myself creative and they reacted with a surprise that was nearly violent in how much they disagreed with me.


Yesterday, I was trying to explain to a coworker - the only other woman in the office who is commonly referred to as Office Mom - why i was forcing myself not to get too excited about moving into my own place next week. She was of a mind that being SUPER EXCITED is better than feeling nothing at all, even if your SUPER EXCITEMENT leads to eventual SUPER DISAPPOINTMENT. I could not be too vehement about how much I disagreed but didn't actually want to be vehement about anything. I could only use the word 'panic' so many times before she asked me if I had anxiety attacks.

Since that sounds better than "Violent depression that sends me into sobbing fits, downward spirals of rumination and self-hatred, and occasional physical outbursts of self-violence," I said yes.

Part of me wants to tell everyone what the inside of my head is like, so they'll be more conscientious about what they say and how they say it and why they say it.

A larger - or at least louder - part insists that they shouldn't have to change just because my brain doesn't work properly.



Interpreting Your Defectiveness Score

10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does not apply to you.
20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply occasionally.
30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an issue in your life.
40-49 High. This is definitely an important lifetrap for you.
50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your core lifetraps.



As Alison's story continues, we find out that she doesn't actually know what's wrong with her. She just has a strong sense of shame and flaw that convinces her that she's defective, worthless.

Therapist: "When you think of someone loving you, how does it feel?"
Alison: "It makes me cringe."

The thing is, I have a very strong sense of shame and flaw because I was explicitly told what was wrong with me. And I believe it, still, because if it was true when I was a kid, why is it less true now?

When my mom went through a major life-switch around my first year of college/last year of high school, she started getting interested in new things. She was reading about Buddhism, psychology, picking up on literature and mythology. And she'd bring these things to me to talk about. And I knew what she was doing, I knew she was trying to bridge the gap and find something to talk to me about. I knew she was trying to be a good mom.

In direct contrast to the years she spent ignoring me when I tried to talk about these very same things, when I would bring books to her and read from them because I thought they were funny, interesting, and she'd shoo me off. To show me that it was cool now, now that she was paying attention and wanted to learn.


The thing my family doesn't seem to understand is that pulling a 180 late in life and just expecting me to go with the new rules isn't okay. You can tell me that the internet is cool now but I remember the opposite. I remember the shame and the shouting and the words used. I remember what was said to me. I remember the looks. I remember the actions.

I remember reaching out for help and friendship and understanding and being told I was doing it wrong and would not receive any of it until I started doing it right.

I remember.

You can't make me not remember that. It's already there, set in place, it's not leaving. No matter how much I want it to. Because the happy family life you're trying to portray sounds so incredibly pleasant.



If my therapist asks to reschedule, I assume she doesn't really want to see me. Honestly, if she wanted to see customers who actually paid her, I would not be surprised. When my coworkers are short with me, I assume it's something I did and not an outside source. When emails come in from corporate chastising the whole company, I think it must be something I've done. When my grandma criticizes the cleanliness or lack thereof of my room, my bathroom... well, you know.

And I can tell myself it's not true long enough to distract myself, to keep moving, to work on something else. But these are the things I ruminate about, too.



A lot of this chapter deals with romantic relationships more than anything else. I guess the whole book does. Once we're adults, the most important relationships you have shouldn't be with parents and siblings or even friends, but with that one significant other who gets your pants on a regular basis.

I s'pose.



I approach Defectiveness in different ways, depending. But mostly, mostly, I use counterattack. I'm so cool, so comfortable, so smirky, you can't touch me, you can't control me. Because the last thing I wanted to do while someone was demonstrating my worthlessness was make them think I believed it.

You may experience a chronic, vague unhappiness without being able to explain why. You do not realize that your depression is a function of your negative view of yourself. Feeling unworthy and angry at yourself is a large part of depression. You may feel that you have been depressed your whole life - a kind of low-level depression lurking in the background.
__If your primary coping style is Escape, you may have addictions or compulsions. Drinking, drugs, overworking, and overeating are all ways of numbing yourself to avoid the pain of feeling worthless.

1. It's called Dysthymia.
2. ....those two boxes of Nutty Bars were asking for it.


I've actually never had what anyone else would consider an addiction. But you know what else?

I do my best roleplaying and writing while deep in depressive episodes.

So take that Escape as you will. Apparently Rachel and Sokka's neuroses are easier to deal with than my own.



The Origins of the Defectiveness Lifetrap

1. Someone in your family was extremely critical, demeaning, or punitive toward you. You were repeatedly criticized or punished for how you looked, how you behaved, or what you said.
2. You were made to feel like a disappointment by a parents.
3. You were rejected or unloved by one or both of your parents.
4. You were sexually, physically, or emotionally abused by a family member.
5. You were blamed all the time for things that went wrong in your family.
6. Your parent told you repeatedly that you were bad, worthless, or good-for-nothing.
7. You were repeatedly compared in an unfavorable way with your brothers or sisters, or they were preferred over you.
8. One of your parents left home, and you blamed yourself.

You almost certainly felt that your parent was right to criticize you, devalue you, reject you, or not give you love. You felt that you deserved it. As a child, you blamed yourself. Everything happened because you were so worthless, inadequate, flawed, and defective. For this reason, you probably did not feel angry about the way you were treated. Rather, you felt ashamed and sad.

When I was a kid, I had two feelings. Just two.

Massive depression
Violent anger

And that's really about it.

It's not that it wasn't my fault, because it was. Everything that was happening was my fault, I knew that. I just also knew that, as my parents, they were obligated to take care of and love me. So if I wasn't doing my job, at least I was young and stupid. But they were adults. So it was more their fault than mine.

I still kind of believe that.

...no, seriously. A couple weeks ago when my brother was worried about upsetting my dad for some new and weird reason, I told him "We're still his kids. It's not our responsibility to be gentle with his feelings when he wouldn't return the favor."



Like Alison, you internalized the voice of your critical parent and it became part of you. In a sense, the voice of your critical parent is your lifetrap - this voice that constantly criticizes, punishes, and rejects you in your mind.
__Shame may have dominated your childhood. Each time your defectiveness was exposed, you felt ashamed. This shame cut deep. It was not about superficial things. Rather it was about who you were.

Alison: "I remember when I was a teenager, I once spent the whole afternoon reading up on this political event, it was Watergate I think, just so I could talk about it at dinner. And when I opened my mouth, he said, 'Is that all you can think to say about it?'"
Therapist: "What did you feel?"
Alison: "I felt so ashamed that I tried to be interesting, and that I failed so abysmally."
Therapist: "Yes, like you were exposed as wanting to be something you could never be."
Alison: "What was that?"
Therapist: "Loved by him."

Oh, sports.

I remember when I finally tried basketball. I'd put it off forever, skipping over it every single time the Parks & Rec book came out. It was this weird mix of horror and revulsion. When I say I had to attend my brother's games, I'm talking about once a week, maybe once every two weeks, for what felt like ever. I'm talking about echoing gyms with loud buzzers and screaming parents. Hard bench bleachers and creepy parking lots I wasn't allowed to escape to anyway. Corners where I could sit and read and be blamed for not being supportive as the game went one hours, two hours, three hours. Week long trips to Las Vegas where I could melt in ridiculous heat, be dragged up and down the Strip because it was "fun," attending more games, not allowed to stay in the hotel room by myself.

So I think I was around 12 or 13 when I finally tried basketball. After t-ball, softball, ice skating, swimming, art lessons, recorder, and violin. I don't even remember why I tried it, I don't remember much about practice.

But I do very much so remember when I made a shot - in the wrong basket.

I remember the way my parents and my brother looked at me while the other team cheered and my own looked at me in disgust.

I remember going off by myself behind the building so no one would see me cry and I remember that no one came looking for me.



On the flip side, I remember my first improv show. I'd helped create the club but I'd never been an actor, I'd never been funny. I really didn't want to act at all, I just wanted to be in the group, I wanted to be friends with those people. And I got out on stage for the Alphabet Game - each sentence has to begin with the consecutive alphabetical letter.

"Apples for sale!"
"Big ones?"
"Course!"
"Divine!"
"Extra juicy!"

etc.

And I remember that I got to a letter and choked. In a tiny theater in front of an audience, the first time I'd ever performed with the club. And I choked and my time ran out and I had to get off the stage.

About an hour later, when the show was over, I remember my father coming up to me with my mom and brother and the first thing any of them said to me was my dad, "You should have said _____."



I'm going to bring up Eliot again, but only because he's actually said something relevant to me.

Eliot: "My problem was that my brother was such a hard act to follow. He was better looking, smarter, funnier. And he treated me like dirt. Just like my parents did. He'd pick on me and they'd laugh. He always had the best of everything and I was left with hand-me-downs."

Only mine wasn't smarter than me. That was a thing I got to lay claim to, since I was always reading and usually just happened to be more interested in school. In high school, he got better grades than I did, but that's because the material got harder and wasn't interesting anymore - I wasn't studying on my own. So I lost the illusion of being smarter than him, because I'd never actually had it. But to him and my parents, I wasn't living up to my potential. Because they knew I was actually the smartest of them all.

I won't say he got the best of everything. I will say that he was popular, athletic, funny, clever. My parents could relate and understand him.

And he got $200 basketball shoes about every six months. I'm pretty sure that's not an exaggeration.

I just always remember watching him come home with a new box of shoes and knowing that if I asked for something, I wouldn't get it. I had to justify everything I wanted, but a lot of what I wanted was experimental. I wanted to learn to sew, I got a sewing machine, but then I got in trouble for not using it daily. I wanted a toy loom and I got one, but I'd be chastised if I put it in the closet because... a toy loom can't actually make anything.

My brother used the shoes, obviously, because he was playing basketball forever. I mostly wanted things so I could learn how to use them. But if I learned and found out I didn't like it, or I got the item but couldn't figure out how to use it and there was no one to teach me... well, my parents just realized that buying me things I wanted was mostly going to be a waste of money.



Danger Signals While Dating

1. You avoid dating altogether.
2. You tend to have a series of short, intense affairs, or several affairs simultaneously.
3. You are drawn to partners who are critical of you and put you down all the time.
4. You are drawn to partners who are physically or emotionally abusive toward you.
5. You are most attracted to partners who are not that interested in you, hoping you can win their love.
6. You are only drawn to the most attractive and desirable partners, even when it is obvious that you will not be able to attain them.
7. You are most comfortable with partners who do not want to know you very deeply.
8. You only date people you feel are below you, whom you do not really love.
9. You are drawn to partners who are unable to commit to you or to spend time with you on a regular basis. They may be married, insist on simultaneously dating other people, travel regularly, or live in another city.
10. You get into relationships in which you put down, abuse, or neglect your partners.

Where the underlined phrases refer to patterns I've noticed in the past - with exception to #1, which is current.

I'm on OKCupid right now - and quickly sick of it, thank you - and realizing the sort of men I would have responded to when I was a kid are critical, abusive. That I avoid instinctively the ones who are especially unattractive. But I remember asking out boys WAY out of my league and not being terribly surprised when they turned me down. I had a couple of weird online long-distance relationships that were... honestly, just strange.


By avoiding long-term commitment, you make certain that no one gets close enough to see your inner flaws.


I have friends now. Good friends. I don't know how I manage to keep them or why my crazy hasn't scared them off. But all the 1, 2, 3, 4s on the questionnaires are because of them. Because I have this small group that makes me question everything I used to think I knew about myself.


Defectiveness Lifetraps

1. You become very critical of your partner once you feel accepted and your romantic feelings disappear. You then act in a demeaning or critical manner.
2. You hide your true self so you never really feel that your partner knows you.
3. You are jealous and possessive of your partner.
4. You constantly compare yourself unfavorably with other people and feel envious and inadequate.
5. You constantly need or demand reassurance that your partner still values you.
6. You put yourself down around your partner.
7. You allow your partner to criticize you, put you down, or mistreat you.
8. You have difficulty accepting valid criticism; you become defensive or hostile.
9. You are extremely critical of your children.
10. You feel like an imposter when you are successful. You feel extremely anxious that you cannot maintain your success.
11. You become despondent or deeply depressed over career setbacks or rejections in relationships.
12. You feel extremely nervous when speaking in public.


I feel like this list is really limited unless you make "partner" and "close friend" interchangeable. Then a lot more of them apply. Or used to.


A few years ago, my closest friend was... to use her words, "sandpaper." She knew what she was, what she did, how she treated people. I knew, too, but it was supposed to be different between us because I'd proven I wasn't like the people who had hurt her. But it wasn't. I mean, it took a few years for her to really show me that what I did or said didn't matter, she was going to treat me like that either way.

Anyway. It wasn't that long ago. And i see breaking off that friendship, making that distance, as the turning point in my self-esteem.

It's not about fault or blame. I honestly don't think she could help the way she was, that a lot of it was her own version of Counterattack for the incredibly unpleasant way she'd grown up and been treated.

But I wasn't her therapist, her punching bag, or her whipping boy. I think about her more than I'd like to admit, I hope she's okay - but that's all I can do, hope. It's all I'm qualified to handle.



I am honestly haunted by my first boyfriend - a relationship that lasted a whopping 2 months when I was eighteen. Because he was the only one who never did anything even slightly justifying of getting dumped.

The situation [relationship] is so fraught with anxiety that you feel that you cannot stand it anymore.

This book makes me think about him a lot. I didn't know why I was breaking up with him when I was breaking up with him. Just that it was weird, it felt weird, it wasn't easy, I didn't like it. So I broke up with him. Blamed it all on myself and my crazy, but still. Part of me still wishes I could explain, and part of me knows/hopes he's grown so far past it he doesn't even remember me.



God, these things are ridiculously long. I'm going to wrap it up here with the stuff about me.



Re: Eliot? In that way it's not about blame, it's about understanding, right?

Eliot is my father. Like... textbook, my dad. Right down to criticizing his children, overcompensating, counterattacking.

There's an anecdote where the narrator explains that Eliot and his wife Maria went to marriage counseling, but he arrived expecting the therapist to help figure out what was wrong with Maria so their marriage could work again.

I've had three therapy sessions with my dad in my life. And in each one, he expressly asked the therapist how to "fix" me.

Looking at the asshole that is my paternal grandfather, I get it. I do. Honestly, I feel bad because of how much I understand.







But I'm better now.

And I do not need or want that in my life.

Cousin K: So your gonna get beer and pizza for us helping you move right :D

Me: I'll probably cook. ;) I'll buy the beer if you drink the good stuff. Anything "lite" and you're on your own.

K: What about cider beer??

Me: Also not real beer.

K: Fine. As long as the foods good. We need to do it pretty early because chris and i have plans and need to leave by 3

Me: Promise! What are you drinking before 3 for??

K: It was a joke. If you help people move for free they pay you with pizza and beer

I am unfamiliar with both your definition of "joke" and your cultural expectations of offered charity.

What the fuck is cider beer? Is it hard cider? Call it hard cider. AND USE THE RIGHT YOUR/YOU'RE/AUGH.

I am also not giving just-barely-legal kids beer before 3pm, thank you.

My absolute favorite blog on my Google reader right now is The Shiksa in the Kitchen. While mostly dealing with Kosher recipes, the most fascinating thing about this blog is how she goes into the history of food. Totally awesome.

Today, I made Challah Bread. Not like the last time I did, that was no-knead stuff off Apartment Therapy, which was good but I wanted to try something more authentic. If you have a spare day to try the recipe, it tastes amazing and it is incredibly satisfying.

Also, the house smells fantastic.



Sometimes, I realize how incredibly lucky I am right now. My grandparents let me live here practically rent-free. This is the first job I've ever had that counts as a livable career and I love it. And while I complain - complain a lot - about my grandparents, this is also the kindest environment I've lived in.

This weekend added to that list: two of my grandparents' friends recently had massive liquidiations of their possessions.

Who's got two thumbs and enough stuff to fill a kitchen? This lady.

There are still things I need. Aside from a really adorable set of table and chairs I got this weekend, I literally have no furniture. Chiro says I can sleep on the floor and it won't hurt anything but I'm thinking a couch might be helpful.

(don't worry, soon-to-be-visitors, my grandparents have an air mattress I'm allowed to borrow)

Shit I Got
1. Lamps! I've had a bendy-neck desk lamp but I was also given a grown-up looking table lamp.
2. An enormous white rug. Like 8x10 rug.
3. An entire set of stoneware dishes, including mugs and a creamer.
4. Several sets of mismatched silverware, which is weirdly adorable.
5. Cookie sheets and baking dishes
6. A grocery sack filled with Ziploc tupperware.
7. Crockpot
8. 4 wooden TV trays on a standing rack
9. A red porcelain pitcher
10. Bookshelf!
11. About 5 saucepans of various sizes
12. About 3 saute pans?

And whatever else is stuffed in boxes in the basement or the car we haven't unloaded.

Added to that, I have all my tea things and a shitty little desk that barely holds my computer (but does hold it).

So the kitchen is set! Which is the most important. :D And I've given up on fulfilling the Chiro's dreams of me getting a Tempurpedic mattress because I can put that $2,000 to better use. A good firm mattress can be picked up for a few hundred and couches are all over Craigslist for under $100.

So that's where I am right now. My next hopeful purchase is like a million hangers because I have none. Most recently, I bought a toaster oven - the apartment has no microwave and I saw no reason to get that and a toaster. Also, a comforter, and grandma's giving me a wool blanket.

Though after a few days of sleeping with the comforter and the high thread count sheets, I'm thinking I won't need the wool. I have now learned that 1600 TC sheets could probably keep me warm all by themselves if I decided to sleep outside in January. Wow.


This entry is here so I remind myself to be cheerful. Move-in date is roughly 3-4 days after March 9th.

More stuff that totally is not about Lifetraps at all!

Last week at a local Home Show, I was wearing a shawl I made, uh... not like a shawl. I guess I was wearing it like a keffiyeh? Wikipedia tells me this is an indie hipster thing, which makes sense because I first saw it on Hardison.

Anyway, I was wearing the shawl like a scarf and some girl stopped me in the hall and asked to buy one! So I am slowly creating another in the color of her choice and hating it a whole lot less this time around! This is exciting because the pattern maker, while brilliant because this shawl is gorgeous, is like all pattern makers in the sense that she refused to write simple, easy to understand instructions. The first time I made this, I named it the Quantum Math Shawl. Using the notes I took last time, it's getting much easier.

For Ravelry users, it's the Multonomah pattern. And if you'd like to try it, I would be happy to share my notes because they aren't horrifically difficult to measure like the ones provided.



Yesterday, I cooked two things. Cooking has become the best part of my day lately, it's outrageously fun and satisfying. First was a root mash in my Cooking Light magazine. About 6 small golden potatoes, a large sweet potato, a large turnip, peeled and cut up, then boiled and simmered for 20 minutes. Drained and mashed up with about 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter. 1/3 cup sour cream, 1/4 skim milk, then salt and pepper. At the last minute (because I'd completely forgotten about it), I added mild Italian turkey sausage. This was kind of a mistake on my part, though, I should have made it clear to Grandma (who was shopping) to get something spicier. It was still great, just not a lot of flavor.

Anyway, that was super yum. Especially when paired with scrambled eggs and some toasted croissants.


Before that, I made a no-bake icebox cake, which was the easiest thing ever and surprisingly delicious for being so simple. I used Cool Whip instead of homemade whipped cream because I don't have a standing mixer and value my hands. Pinterest and my design blogs are very disappointed in me.

Layer whipped topping at the bottom of a 9x13 pan. Place a single layer of graham crackers on top, followed by more whip. Layer that with sliced strawberries. Repeat until you run out of room or ingredients, and top with lines of chocolate ganache (or Hershey's syrup 'cause I didn't feel like making ganache).

If you go the Cool Whip/Hershey's route, the dessert actually becomes vaguely healthy as well as easy. So I guess that will make Pinterest happy.

DO NOT CONSUME THE DELICIOUS AT THIS POINT. Cover with tin foil and place in the fridge for at least 4 hours, preferably overnight. You can actually refrigerate it up to 48 hours. The crackers get soft and delicious and it becomes this really dense, delicious cake that's sweet without being sugar-sweet.


EAT ALL THE THINGS.
Success!

I've been in therapy since I was 16, which brings me up to 9 consecutive, nearly ceaseless years of the stuff. For people who think therapy is a magic answer, you'd probably think I was fixed right now, or really close to being fixed. For people who think therapy is for pussies, you're probably expecting me to be a lot worse off in life than I actually am.

So at least I'm exceeding somebody's expectations here.

For a long time, I went to therapy solely to stop hurting myself, whether that was a literal violent act or just all the ruminating I was doing that was destroying me mentally. I have a lot of metaphors for therapy. For the early years, the metaphor is basically... if someone's shooting a gun at you, you really don't give a shit why they're doing it or what you may have done to provoke it or if it's your fault. What you're concerned about is the fact that your life is in danger. If you can get the gun out of their hands, or at least pointed away from you for a bit, then you can focus on the why. But not before.

In the early years, I really didn't care why I felt that way about myself or my life. I just wanted it to stop.

On good days, we could talk about other things. We could talk about my parents or my brother or how I'd grown up. We could talk about how I felt in early school years or how I'd made friends. But in the early years, there are very few good days where you can really do anything at all but talk about the present. Just for the joy of having someone who's paid to listen and not judge you.

Therapy is a beautiful thing if you want to tell all your secrets and know without a doubt they can't be shared. Or judged. Or thrown back in your face.

I have more good days now. That's basically what therapy is about, finding the good days. The good days where you're able to live a little less in the moment, where you've got some breathing room. Because if you've got the time and space to think, if you can figure out what you did to get that gun pointed at you, or why that person feels the need to point it, you can stop it the next time.

Therapy is about getting yourself off the bullseye.

In the beginning, it's mostly just about getting off-center.


-


Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior... and Feel Great Again.

Sigh.

This title, seriously.


So I promised something of more substance and work for this entry. But I feel it's necessary that while I might use this stuff for educational purposes later, the only reason I'm able to blog at all these days is because I need a solid place to put my thoughts down and reflect on them later. It's not holding myself accountable, exactly.

I think the best way to explain it is by going through reactions to Lifetraps.

For a refresher on the Lifetraps, here's the Last Entry I wrote (For LJ-zers, it's Here). It wasn't terribly in-depth, though, and I only wrote down the four that applied to me personally. In fact, those are the only chapters I read, too, whoops. << I may read the others just out of curiosity. Partly because I think I accidentally found a Lifetrap that applies to my dad while reading about myself.

Anyway, the Lifetraps:

#Abandonment
#Mistrust & Abuse
#Emotional Deprivation
#Social Exclusion
#Dependence
#Vulnerability
#Defectiveness
#Failure
#Subjugation
#Unrelenting Standards
#Entitlement

Whatever Lifetrap you have, there are basically three ways you can react to them. You can Submit, Counterattack, or Escape.

I escape. I've gotten a little too good at it. The words "not thinking about it" are too much a part of my response when people ask how I am, how I'm dealing, what's happening. Sorry, can't deal with it, don't want to. I'd rather read or write or knit or watch TV or movies or go for walks or scrapbook or cook or bake or go shopping or organize or clean or or or or or or or.

I always did kind of wonder why I need so many freaking hobbies.

Writing about depression, or just difficult things, is part of the way I deal with it. I've kept an online journal since I was about sixteen for multiple reasons. A big part of it was that things used to happen when I was a kid, and when I'd bring them up, my parents would insist I'd made them up. So it really started just to prove I wasn't crazy. I started keeping scripts of things people had said, fights I'd had. I don't really describe a fight, I'd rather put it down in a script, even if I get some of the words wrong. I'll get the important ones right, and I'll keep the tone of the discussion.

I think it just became something more, accidentally. It wasn't just keeping a record, it was proving to myself that things had happened and I was allowed to feel shitty about it. There were still things I didn't put down, or things I put down quickly and walked away from. Getting the record down without dealing with it, putting down blame and escaping from the consequences.

January 2011, my brother got married. The week I spent with family during this time was one of the worst events of my life, partly because of how drawn out it was. And when I got back, I sat myself down and wrote one entry per day of the event. I got it out, but I dealt with it.

A big part of me wants to escape these feelings, wants to ignore them and just be normal. Just gloss over it, it wasn't that big of a deal, no one else is upset.

But I also keep these scripts. I'll re-read them sometimes. Even if they're hurtful or horrible, I keep them, sometimes I write them in further detail, sometimes I'll share them with people.

I want to remember they happened. I want to know I'm not crazy.

I want to remind myself not to let them happen again.


-


I'm really tired of how I feel.

So I'm reading this silly reinvention book.


-


Emotional Deprivation is chapter 8 and it is titled with "I'll Never Get the Love I Need," conveniently in quotation marks. So at least it's more like a quote than a statement of "SUCKA, buy a cat."

I like that the book has examples of three patients that they use to describe the Lifetrap. Usually, each patient uses a different response, so you kind of empathize with them. But really, very few people have one Lifetrap, very few people respond to each Lifetrap in the same way. But there are important ones, the "core" traps and responses, and those are the ones that will be the biggest hurdle.

So. Homework.

The Emotional Deprivation Questionnaire
The questionnaire below will help you decide how strongly you have this lifetrap. Rate each item using the following scale:

SCORING KEY
1. Completely untrue of me
2. Mostly untrue of me
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
4. Moderately true of me
5. Mostly true of me
6. Describes me perfectly

If you have any 5's of 6's on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you even if your score is in the low range.

SCORE	DESCRIPTION
5	1. I need more love than I get.
5	2. No one really understands me.
4	3. I am often attracted to cold partners who can't meet my needs.
5	4. I feel disconnected, even from the people who are closest to me.
5	5. I have not had one special person I love who wants to share him/herself with me and cares deeply about what happens to me.
5	6. No one is there to give me warmth, holding, and affection.
5	7. I do not have someone who really listens and is tuned into my true needs and feelings.
6	8. It is hard for me to let people guide or protect me, even though it is what I want inside.
6	9. It is hard for me to let people love me.
6	10. I am lonely a lot of the time.
52	YOUR TOTAL EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION SCORE (Add your scores together for questions 1-10)

HTML Tables

Interpreting Your Emotional Deprivation Score

10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does not apply to you.
20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply occasionally.
30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an issue in your life.
40-49 High. This is definitely an important lifetrap for you.
50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your core lifetraps.


It was pure chance that my core Lifetrap happened to be the first chapter I read, honestly. I was kind of surprised they started with it, too, because Emotional Deprivation is pretty hefty and it actually covers three categories, of which only one really applies to me.

Three Kinds of Emotional Deprivation

1. Deprivation of Nurturance
2. Deprivation of Empathy
3. Deprivation of Protection

Each kind of deprivation refers to a different aspect of love. Nurturance refers to warmth, attention, and physical affection. Did your parents hold and rock you? Did they comfort and soothe you? Did they spend time with you? Do they hug and kiss you when you see them now?

Empathy refers to having someone who understands your world and validates your feelings. Did your parents understand you? Were they in sync with your feelings? Could you confide in them when you had problems? Were they interested in listening to what you had to say? Would they discuss their own feelings with you if you asked them to? Could they communicate with you?

Finally, Protection refers to providing strength, direction, and guidance. Did you have someone you could go to as a child when you needed advice, and who was a source of refuge and strength? Was there someone who looked out for you, who made you feel safe?


While all of these had something of an affect on me growing up, it was mostly minimal save for one: Empathy.

Yesterday, during an actual therapy session, my therapist went down a list of friends and family throughout my life and asked me to answer a simple question for each one. "Were they unable or unwilling to meet your needs?"

More than a few, I had to admit, were just unable to do it. For whatever reason, I was entirely too different from my parents for them to even come close to understanding what I needed. I was a little alien child with emotions and thoughts and directives that they'd never had themselves.

This program, and therapy itself, is not about fault or blame.

It's about understanding.

You don't have to forgive anyone.

But knowing that painful acts and occurrences were not purposeful, not malicious, not personal... it helps a lot.

Knowing that everyone has Lifetraps... that you're probably not an inherently flawed and useless individual so much as a soundboard for someone else's Lifetrap... that helps, too.

Therapy is about understanding and letting go so you can finally grow on your own.


-


Since this is a book for adults and most adults feel the need to couple and partner for life, Lifetraps will always address relationships, generally romantic.

This one was uncomfortable.

Emotional Deprivation Lifetraps in a Relationship

1. You don't tell your partner what you need, then feel disappointed when your needs are not met.
2. You don't tell your partner how you feel, and then feel disappointed when you are not understood.
3. You don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, so that your partner can protect or guide you.
4. You feel deprived, but you don't say anything. Your harbor resentment.
5. You become angry and demanding.
6. You constantly accuse your partner of not caring enough about you.
7. You become distant and unreachable.

The important thing about the Lifetraps, I think, is that they aren't strict boxes. You can fit most without fitting all. 4, 5, and 6, I was quite relieved to find after a lot of thought, do not really apply to how I approach relationships. I've always preferred to put more blame on myself than them for things not working out.

Mostly because even at a young age, I knew perfectly well that I was already doing 1, 2, 3, the first half of 4, and definitely 7. And I knew it wasn't cool.

So that's something.

The thing is, you can't just stop things like that. If you grew up not having your needs met, even if they were put out there vocally, you're not going to keep setting yourself up for disappointment, especially with some new person in your life. If your feelings have never been respected by the people supposed to love you most, you're not going to trust some new person. Vulnerability is right out, sorry. Gotta have a tough skin if no one's meeting your emotional needs. Feeling deprived is a given, how you respond to it is up to you. Becoming distant and unreachable is a form of protection.

Becoming angry has just always been a default for me.

You can't just stop. You have to understand why. And then you can make a solid effort to change.


-


People with the Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap are attracted to cold partners who could not possibly meet their needs. They get bored quickly with caring, warm individuals who could fulfill them.

Is anyone else starting to understand why I couldn't read this thing on a work day? That right there was the answer to why I dumped my first boyfriend after two months - just 7 years too late.

Kind of a slap in the face of DUH, you idiot.


-


I'm not going through the whole chapter, really. There are other experiments, a lot of visualizing. A lot of reaching back and remembering things I'd really rather not remember.

The important thing, for me at least, about this chapter and this Lifetrap is that it explains I'm not broken. I just didn't learn the right things growing up, and then I wasn't aware that I'd missed the lesson for a long time.

But I know now. I have a teacher. I have a lesson plan.

I have a ton of homework to do.

I'll let you know how I'm doing when we get closer to the final.



Chapter 9, fittingly I felt, is Social Exclusion.

See you next week.