I'm Surprised That You've Never Been Told Before

There are some things I wish were not true.

When my therapist said today, "But you love your father."

And I replied, "No, I don't."

I wish I'd been lying.


When she said, "You must, even if it's obligatory."

And I said, "If it's obligatory, it's not love."


I wish I could lie about things. I wish my family were a source of safety or protection. Anything but the stress and worry and fear that is every interaction with them. Pretty much focused on the idea of Will I be good enough today?


I have not spoken to my mother since Christmas. My father has sent me some text messages which I've brushed off. Eventually he'll push it further, but for now he seems content with my vague "I'm very stressed right now, I'll let you know when I'm not."

He texted me with "I'm here if you want to talk."

Which just struck me dumb with What are you even what no how could you even stop it now.

Why would I talk to him about anything that bothers me?

What has he ever done to inspire confidence to the point that I would confide in him about anything?



No entry on the lifetraps today. I will say this, though: When my therapist talked to me about the next one, she'd accidentally called it Social Isolation which offended the hell out of me. But when I read it, I realized it's actually Social Exclusion.

It's not about blame, right? It's about understanding.

And if I could just find a way to believe that, maybe I'd find a way to stop blaming myself for the mess of failure I am.


When I'm not talking to my parents, I'm surprisingly satisfied with my life.

I think I'll keep doing that.