Lifetrap: Emotional Deprivation
Feb. 12th, 2012 09:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trelaliI've been in therapy since I was 16, which brings me up to 9 consecutive, nearly ceaseless years of the stuff. For people who think therapy is a magic answer, you'd probably think I was fixed right now, or really close to being fixed. For people who think therapy is for pussies, you're probably expecting me to be a lot worse off in life than I actually am.
So at least I'm exceeding somebody's expectations here.
For a long time, I went to therapy solely to stop hurting myself, whether that was a literal violent act or just all the ruminating I was doing that was destroying me mentally. I have a lot of metaphors for therapy. For the early years, the metaphor is basically... if someone's shooting a gun at you, you really don't give a shit why they're doing it or what you may have done to provoke it or if it's your fault. What you're concerned about is the fact that your life is in danger. If you can get the gun out of their hands, or at least pointed away from you for a bit, then you can focus on the why. But not before.
In the early years, I really didn't care why I felt that way about myself or my life. I just wanted it to stop.
On good days, we could talk about other things. We could talk about my parents or my brother or how I'd grown up. We could talk about how I felt in early school years or how I'd made friends. But in the early years, there are very few good days where you can really do anything at all but talk about the present. Just for the joy of having someone who's paid to listen and not judge you.
Therapy is a beautiful thing if you want to tell all your secrets and know without a doubt they can't be shared. Or judged. Or thrown back in your face.
I have more good days now. That's basically what therapy is about, finding the good days. The good days where you're able to live a little less in the moment, where you've got some breathing room. Because if you've got the time and space to think, if you can figure out what you did to get that gun pointed at you, or why that person feels the need to point it, you can stop it the next time.
Therapy is about getting yourself off the bullseye.
In the beginning, it's mostly just about getting off-center.
-
Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior... and Feel Great Again.
Sigh.
This title, seriously.
So I promised something of more substance and work for this entry. But I feel it's necessary that while I might use this stuff for educational purposes later, the only reason I'm able to blog at all these days is because I need a solid place to put my thoughts down and reflect on them later. It's not holding myself accountable, exactly.
I think the best way to explain it is by going through reactions to Lifetraps.
For a refresher on the Lifetraps, here's the Last Entry I wrote (For LJ-zers, it's Here). It wasn't terribly in-depth, though, and I only wrote down the four that applied to me personally. In fact, those are the only chapters I read, too, whoops. << I may read the others just out of curiosity. Partly because I think I accidentally found a Lifetrap that applies to my dad while reading about myself.
Anyway, the Lifetraps:
#Abandonment
#Mistrust & Abuse
#Emotional Deprivation
#Social Exclusion
#Dependence
#Vulnerability
#Defectiveness
#Failure
#Subjugation
#Unrelenting Standards
#Entitlement
Whatever Lifetrap you have, there are basically three ways you can react to them. You can Submit, Counterattack, or Escape.
I escape. I've gotten a little too good at it. The words "not thinking about it" are too much a part of my response when people ask how I am, how I'm dealing, what's happening. Sorry, can't deal with it, don't want to. I'd rather read or write or knit or watch TV or movies or go for walks or scrapbook or cook or bake or go shopping or organize or clean or or or or or or or.
I always did kind of wonder why I need so many freaking hobbies.
Writing about depression, or just difficult things, is part of the way I deal with it. I've kept an online journal since I was about sixteen for multiple reasons. A big part of it was that things used to happen when I was a kid, and when I'd bring them up, my parents would insist I'd made them up. So it really started just to prove I wasn't crazy. I started keeping scripts of things people had said, fights I'd had. I don't really describe a fight, I'd rather put it down in a script, even if I get some of the words wrong. I'll get the important ones right, and I'll keep the tone of the discussion.
I think it just became something more, accidentally. It wasn't just keeping a record, it was proving to myself that things had happened and I was allowed to feel shitty about it. There were still things I didn't put down, or things I put down quickly and walked away from. Getting the record down without dealing with it, putting down blame and escaping from the consequences.
January 2011, my brother got married. The week I spent with family during this time was one of the worst events of my life, partly because of how drawn out it was. And when I got back, I sat myself down and wrote one entry per day of the event. I got it out, but I dealt with it.
A big part of me wants to escape these feelings, wants to ignore them and just be normal. Just gloss over it, it wasn't that big of a deal, no one else is upset.
But I also keep these scripts. I'll re-read them sometimes. Even if they're hurtful or horrible, I keep them, sometimes I write them in further detail, sometimes I'll share them with people.
I want to remember they happened. I want to know I'm not crazy.
I want to remind myself not to let them happen again.
-
I'm really tired of how I feel.
So I'm reading this silly reinvention book.
-
Emotional Deprivation is chapter 8 and it is titled with "I'll Never Get the Love I Need," conveniently in quotation marks. So at least it's more like a quote than a statement of "SUCKA, buy a cat."
I like that the book has examples of three patients that they use to describe the Lifetrap. Usually, each patient uses a different response, so you kind of empathize with them. But really, very few people have one Lifetrap, very few people respond to each Lifetrap in the same way. But there are important ones, the "core" traps and responses, and those are the ones that will be the biggest hurdle.
So. Homework.
The Emotional Deprivation Questionnaire
The questionnaire below will help you decide how strongly you have this lifetrap. Rate each item using the following scale:
SCORING KEY
1. Completely untrue of me
2. Mostly untrue of me
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
4. Moderately true of me
5. Mostly true of me
6. Describes me perfectly
If you have any 5's of 6's on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you even if your score is in the low range.
Interpreting Your Emotional Deprivation Score
10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does not apply to you.
20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply occasionally.
30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an issue in your life.
40-49 High. This is definitely an important lifetrap for you.
50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your core lifetraps.
It was pure chance that my core Lifetrap happened to be the first chapter I read, honestly. I was kind of surprised they started with it, too, because Emotional Deprivation is pretty hefty and it actually covers three categories, of which only one really applies to me.
Three Kinds of Emotional Deprivation
1. Deprivation of Nurturance
2. Deprivation of Empathy
3. Deprivation of Protection
Each kind of deprivation refers to a different aspect of love. Nurturance refers to warmth, attention, and physical affection. Did your parents hold and rock you? Did they comfort and soothe you? Did they spend time with you? Do they hug and kiss you when you see them now?
Empathy refers to having someone who understands your world and validates your feelings. Did your parents understand you? Were they in sync with your feelings? Could you confide in them when you had problems? Were they interested in listening to what you had to say? Would they discuss their own feelings with you if you asked them to? Could they communicate with you?
Finally, Protection refers to providing strength, direction, and guidance. Did you have someone you could go to as a child when you needed advice, and who was a source of refuge and strength? Was there someone who looked out for you, who made you feel safe?
While all of these had something of an affect on me growing up, it was mostly minimal save for one: Empathy.
Yesterday, during an actual therapy session, my therapist went down a list of friends and family throughout my life and asked me to answer a simple question for each one. "Were they unable or unwilling to meet your needs?"
More than a few, I had to admit, were just unable to do it. For whatever reason, I was entirely too different from my parents for them to even come close to understanding what I needed. I was a little alien child with emotions and thoughts and directives that they'd never had themselves.
This program, and therapy itself, is not about fault or blame.
It's about understanding.
You don't have to forgive anyone.
But knowing that painful acts and occurrences were not purposeful, not malicious, not personal... it helps a lot.
Knowing that everyone has Lifetraps... that you're probably not an inherently flawed and useless individual so much as a soundboard for someone else's Lifetrap... that helps, too.
Therapy is about understanding and letting go so you can finally grow on your own.
-
Since this is a book for adults and most adults feel the need to couple and partner for life, Lifetraps will always address relationships, generally romantic.
This one was uncomfortable.
Emotional Deprivation Lifetraps in a Relationship
1. You don't tell your partner what you need, then feel disappointed when your needs are not met.
2. You don't tell your partner how you feel, and then feel disappointed when you are not understood.
3. You don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, so that your partner can protect or guide you.
4. You feel deprived, but you don't say anything. Your harbor resentment.
5. You become angry and demanding.
6. You constantly accuse your partner of not caring enough about you.
7. You become distant and unreachable.
The important thing about the Lifetraps, I think, is that they aren't strict boxes. You can fit most without fitting all. 4, 5, and 6, I was quite relieved to find after a lot of thought, do not really apply to how I approach relationships. I've always preferred to put more blame on myself than them for things not working out.
Mostly because even at a young age, I knew perfectly well that I was already doing 1, 2, 3, the first half of 4, and definitely 7. And I knew it wasn't cool.
So that's something.
The thing is, you can't just stop things like that. If you grew up not having your needs met, even if they were put out there vocally, you're not going to keep setting yourself up for disappointment, especially with some new person in your life. If your feelings have never been respected by the people supposed to love you most, you're not going to trust some new person. Vulnerability is right out, sorry. Gotta have a tough skin if no one's meeting your emotional needs. Feeling deprived is a given, how you respond to it is up to you. Becoming distant and unreachable is a form of protection.
Becoming angry has just always been a default for me.
You can't just stop. You have to understand why. And then you can make a solid effort to change.
-
People with the Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap are attracted to cold partners who could not possibly meet their needs. They get bored quickly with caring, warm individuals who could fulfill them.
Is anyone else starting to understand why I couldn't read this thing on a work day? That right there was the answer to why I dumped my first boyfriend after two months - just 7 years too late.
Kind of a slap in the face of DUH, you idiot.
-
I'm not going through the whole chapter, really. There are other experiments, a lot of visualizing. A lot of reaching back and remembering things I'd really rather not remember.
The important thing, for me at least, about this chapter and this Lifetrap is that it explains I'm not broken. I just didn't learn the right things growing up, and then I wasn't aware that I'd missed the lesson for a long time.
But I know now. I have a teacher. I have a lesson plan.
I have a ton of homework to do.
I'll let you know how I'm doing when we get closer to the final.
Chapter 9, fittingly I felt, is Social Exclusion.
See you next week.
So at least I'm exceeding somebody's expectations here.
For a long time, I went to therapy solely to stop hurting myself, whether that was a literal violent act or just all the ruminating I was doing that was destroying me mentally. I have a lot of metaphors for therapy. For the early years, the metaphor is basically... if someone's shooting a gun at you, you really don't give a shit why they're doing it or what you may have done to provoke it or if it's your fault. What you're concerned about is the fact that your life is in danger. If you can get the gun out of their hands, or at least pointed away from you for a bit, then you can focus on the why. But not before.
In the early years, I really didn't care why I felt that way about myself or my life. I just wanted it to stop.
On good days, we could talk about other things. We could talk about my parents or my brother or how I'd grown up. We could talk about how I felt in early school years or how I'd made friends. But in the early years, there are very few good days where you can really do anything at all but talk about the present. Just for the joy of having someone who's paid to listen and not judge you.
Therapy is a beautiful thing if you want to tell all your secrets and know without a doubt they can't be shared. Or judged. Or thrown back in your face.
I have more good days now. That's basically what therapy is about, finding the good days. The good days where you're able to live a little less in the moment, where you've got some breathing room. Because if you've got the time and space to think, if you can figure out what you did to get that gun pointed at you, or why that person feels the need to point it, you can stop it the next time.
Therapy is about getting yourself off the bullseye.
In the beginning, it's mostly just about getting off-center.
-
Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior... and Feel Great Again.
Sigh.
This title, seriously.
So I promised something of more substance and work for this entry. But I feel it's necessary that while I might use this stuff for educational purposes later, the only reason I'm able to blog at all these days is because I need a solid place to put my thoughts down and reflect on them later. It's not holding myself accountable, exactly.
I think the best way to explain it is by going through reactions to Lifetraps.
For a refresher on the Lifetraps, here's the Last Entry I wrote (For LJ-zers, it's Here). It wasn't terribly in-depth, though, and I only wrote down the four that applied to me personally. In fact, those are the only chapters I read, too, whoops. << I may read the others just out of curiosity. Partly because I think I accidentally found a Lifetrap that applies to my dad while reading about myself.
Anyway, the Lifetraps:
#Abandonment
#Mistrust & Abuse
#Emotional Deprivation
#Social Exclusion
#Dependence
#Vulnerability
#Defectiveness
#Failure
#Subjugation
#Unrelenting Standards
#Entitlement
Whatever Lifetrap you have, there are basically three ways you can react to them. You can Submit, Counterattack, or Escape.
I escape. I've gotten a little too good at it. The words "not thinking about it" are too much a part of my response when people ask how I am, how I'm dealing, what's happening. Sorry, can't deal with it, don't want to. I'd rather read or write or knit or watch TV or movies or go for walks or scrapbook or cook or bake or go shopping or organize or clean or or or or or or or.
I always did kind of wonder why I need so many freaking hobbies.
Writing about depression, or just difficult things, is part of the way I deal with it. I've kept an online journal since I was about sixteen for multiple reasons. A big part of it was that things used to happen when I was a kid, and when I'd bring them up, my parents would insist I'd made them up. So it really started just to prove I wasn't crazy. I started keeping scripts of things people had said, fights I'd had. I don't really describe a fight, I'd rather put it down in a script, even if I get some of the words wrong. I'll get the important ones right, and I'll keep the tone of the discussion.
I think it just became something more, accidentally. It wasn't just keeping a record, it was proving to myself that things had happened and I was allowed to feel shitty about it. There were still things I didn't put down, or things I put down quickly and walked away from. Getting the record down without dealing with it, putting down blame and escaping from the consequences.
January 2011, my brother got married. The week I spent with family during this time was one of the worst events of my life, partly because of how drawn out it was. And when I got back, I sat myself down and wrote one entry per day of the event. I got it out, but I dealt with it.
A big part of me wants to escape these feelings, wants to ignore them and just be normal. Just gloss over it, it wasn't that big of a deal, no one else is upset.
But I also keep these scripts. I'll re-read them sometimes. Even if they're hurtful or horrible, I keep them, sometimes I write them in further detail, sometimes I'll share them with people.
I want to remember they happened. I want to know I'm not crazy.
I want to remind myself not to let them happen again.
-
I'm really tired of how I feel.
So I'm reading this silly reinvention book.
-
Emotional Deprivation is chapter 8 and it is titled with "I'll Never Get the Love I Need," conveniently in quotation marks. So at least it's more like a quote than a statement of "SUCKA, buy a cat."
I like that the book has examples of three patients that they use to describe the Lifetrap. Usually, each patient uses a different response, so you kind of empathize with them. But really, very few people have one Lifetrap, very few people respond to each Lifetrap in the same way. But there are important ones, the "core" traps and responses, and those are the ones that will be the biggest hurdle.
So. Homework.
The Emotional Deprivation Questionnaire
The questionnaire below will help you decide how strongly you have this lifetrap. Rate each item using the following scale:
SCORING KEY
1. Completely untrue of me
2. Mostly untrue of me
3. Slightly more true than untrue of me
4. Moderately true of me
5. Mostly true of me
6. Describes me perfectly
If you have any 5's of 6's on this questionnaire, this lifetrap may still apply to you even if your score is in the low range.
| SCORE | DESCRIPTION |
| 5 | 1. I need more love than I get. |
| 5 | 2. No one really understands me. |
| 4 | 3. I am often attracted to cold partners who can't meet my needs. |
| 5 | 4. I feel disconnected, even from the people who are closest to me. |
| 5 | 5. I have not had one special person I love who wants to share him/herself with me and cares deeply about what happens to me. |
| 5 | 6. No one is there to give me warmth, holding, and affection. |
| 5 | 7. I do not have someone who really listens and is tuned into my true needs and feelings. |
| 6 | 8. It is hard for me to let people guide or protect me, even though it is what I want inside. |
| 6 | 9. It is hard for me to let people love me. |
| 6 | 10. I am lonely a lot of the time. |
| 52 | YOUR TOTAL EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION SCORE (Add your scores together for questions 1-10) |
Interpreting Your Emotional Deprivation Score
10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does not apply to you.
20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply occasionally.
30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an issue in your life.
40-49 High. This is definitely an important lifetrap for you.
50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your core lifetraps.
It was pure chance that my core Lifetrap happened to be the first chapter I read, honestly. I was kind of surprised they started with it, too, because Emotional Deprivation is pretty hefty and it actually covers three categories, of which only one really applies to me.
Three Kinds of Emotional Deprivation
1. Deprivation of Nurturance
2. Deprivation of Empathy
3. Deprivation of Protection
Each kind of deprivation refers to a different aspect of love. Nurturance refers to warmth, attention, and physical affection. Did your parents hold and rock you? Did they comfort and soothe you? Did they spend time with you? Do they hug and kiss you when you see them now?
Empathy refers to having someone who understands your world and validates your feelings. Did your parents understand you? Were they in sync with your feelings? Could you confide in them when you had problems? Were they interested in listening to what you had to say? Would they discuss their own feelings with you if you asked them to? Could they communicate with you?
Finally, Protection refers to providing strength, direction, and guidance. Did you have someone you could go to as a child when you needed advice, and who was a source of refuge and strength? Was there someone who looked out for you, who made you feel safe?
While all of these had something of an affect on me growing up, it was mostly minimal save for one: Empathy.
Yesterday, during an actual therapy session, my therapist went down a list of friends and family throughout my life and asked me to answer a simple question for each one. "Were they unable or unwilling to meet your needs?"
More than a few, I had to admit, were just unable to do it. For whatever reason, I was entirely too different from my parents for them to even come close to understanding what I needed. I was a little alien child with emotions and thoughts and directives that they'd never had themselves.
This program, and therapy itself, is not about fault or blame.
It's about understanding.
You don't have to forgive anyone.
But knowing that painful acts and occurrences were not purposeful, not malicious, not personal... it helps a lot.
Knowing that everyone has Lifetraps... that you're probably not an inherently flawed and useless individual so much as a soundboard for someone else's Lifetrap... that helps, too.
Therapy is about understanding and letting go so you can finally grow on your own.
-
Since this is a book for adults and most adults feel the need to couple and partner for life, Lifetraps will always address relationships, generally romantic.
This one was uncomfortable.
Emotional Deprivation Lifetraps in a Relationship
1. You don't tell your partner what you need, then feel disappointed when your needs are not met.
2. You don't tell your partner how you feel, and then feel disappointed when you are not understood.
3. You don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, so that your partner can protect or guide you.
4. You feel deprived, but you don't say anything. Your harbor resentment.
5. You become angry and demanding.
6. You constantly accuse your partner of not caring enough about you.
7. You become distant and unreachable.
The important thing about the Lifetraps, I think, is that they aren't strict boxes. You can fit most without fitting all. 4, 5, and 6, I was quite relieved to find after a lot of thought, do not really apply to how I approach relationships. I've always preferred to put more blame on myself than them for things not working out.
Mostly because even at a young age, I knew perfectly well that I was already doing 1, 2, 3, the first half of 4, and definitely 7. And I knew it wasn't cool.
So that's something.
The thing is, you can't just stop things like that. If you grew up not having your needs met, even if they were put out there vocally, you're not going to keep setting yourself up for disappointment, especially with some new person in your life. If your feelings have never been respected by the people supposed to love you most, you're not going to trust some new person. Vulnerability is right out, sorry. Gotta have a tough skin if no one's meeting your emotional needs. Feeling deprived is a given, how you respond to it is up to you. Becoming distant and unreachable is a form of protection.
Becoming angry has just always been a default for me.
You can't just stop. You have to understand why. And then you can make a solid effort to change.
-
People with the Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap are attracted to cold partners who could not possibly meet their needs. They get bored quickly with caring, warm individuals who could fulfill them.
Is anyone else starting to understand why I couldn't read this thing on a work day? That right there was the answer to why I dumped my first boyfriend after two months - just 7 years too late.
Kind of a slap in the face of DUH, you idiot.
-
I'm not going through the whole chapter, really. There are other experiments, a lot of visualizing. A lot of reaching back and remembering things I'd really rather not remember.
The important thing, for me at least, about this chapter and this Lifetrap is that it explains I'm not broken. I just didn't learn the right things growing up, and then I wasn't aware that I'd missed the lesson for a long time.
But I know now. I have a teacher. I have a lesson plan.
I have a ton of homework to do.
I'll let you know how I'm doing when we get closer to the final.
Chapter 9, fittingly I felt, is Social Exclusion.
See you next week.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-12 05:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-13 11:25 pm (UTC)